Why??

So I'm sitting in front on my lap top crying... Why?? Well, maybe something similar has happened to you to. I have been studying Japanese for 2 and a half years by now, so I should be in an Intermediate level, but because of some school issues my generation had to repeat Basic 2 and now Basic 3 so we can continue studying (well, this semester only a girl friend repeated this level with me, the rest withdraw for personal reasons).

Last year, in December, 4 friends and I decided to take the JLPT (Japanese Language Proficiency Test), it is a certificate that evaluates your knowledge of Japanese in Levels from N1 to N5, being 1 an expert (not many Japanese people have this level) an 5 the most basic. I decided to go for the easiest (N5) although my teachers and friends told me to do the N4 instead because N5 would be too easy for me, but anyways I chose 5, why? Because I wanted to see first how was the exam was structured and everything, just to get the picture of those exams.


The day we took the test, I was very nervous, as many other students there, but the reason for my nervousness was not the test itself, it was that I was very afraid not to pass it because it would mean I wasn't as good as everybody thought I was, I was afraid of loosing to the expectation people had of me, I was afraid I wouldn't be as good as I wanted to be, I was afraid I would have a "NOT PASSED" in the thing I had been dedicating 2 years of study and what I wanted the most, I WAS AFRAID.


After the test was finished, the fear and nerves were higher, "Did I answer correctly?", "Was that answer the best one?", "Was...?", "Did...?" and more "Was...?". My head was about to explode, but I tried to keep calm because my friends were nervous as well and I had to look strong and confident so they could calm a little bit. The wait would be long because the results would arrive 3 months later, so that meant 3 months of non-answered questions and doubts, of desperation, of guesses, of not knowing what that little piece of paper will say.

Now the 3 months are up, the answers, the desperation, the everything was just about to be over, the envelope in my hands had the answers to "everything", my hands were shaking but managed to open it, took the holy piece of paper, read to find the result and then my complete world fall apart. "NOT PASSED" was written on it,the paper lost it's holiness, those words were like a meteor crashing part of my dreams. The rest of the class was watching me, so I joke a little bit about it, I even laugh but I just made it more painful. Then my friend said that I was only missing ONE point for it to be a "PASSED!!!", but it didn't change anything, even if it was only ONE point i was expecting so much more of the test everyone said "would be too easy for me".

Now I'm just writing to express what I feel at this very moment, and to tell you that you won´t always win, sometimes you have to retreat one step to regain the strength to fight again. So for me it means that I have to study harder so that next December I will do the N4 and pass it, or maybe even N3. Hope you like it, it was just a more personal entry that I felt of doing, so we all have to try harder! ^^